Wellbeing xo

 

20140423-104611.jpg

Pictured: my gorgeous dog in what is simultaneously one of the nicest parts of my area, and the most drug-ridden. And so it goes.

I haven’t written for a while about little old me because honestly, it’s super boring and I’m pretty busy. I am also really, really tired. Currently I haven’t slept for about a day, but I feel alright. My main goals at the minute besides finishing my dissertation and ending this year with a 2:1 are to lose some weight, get fit again, and generally be healthy. Primarily I am concerned with mental health at the minute; I am making an effort to let things go for one. I don’t actually enjoy stalking people on Facebook or ruminating on past friendships or crying every time I walk past a certain street. It sucks, actually, and it’s sad. The things I enjoy are these: reading, writing, exercise, my dog, film, and TV. So those are what I have to do.

I also have to get a job. I have one currently, but it’s a three hours a week as-and-when kind of situation. Which is perfect while I’m spending most of my hours at the library, but soon, I will need cold hard cash for my move to Brighton. Everything is happening very quickly and I don’t know whether this pleases or frightens me. I’ll let y’all know. xo

Leave a comment

Filed under Personal

Breathe out.
When there is not a space
safely and quietly
to escape a hunger
and a need – to be calm
I have always thought
that to tap seven times
find the right words
make things straight
make them right – that 
is calm
           The right combination
could always settle my head
of medicine, of organisation,
of which meal to miss 
and which to savour

Do not disturb – I need a while
to learn who I am, now
and to get to know
the board walk, the cobbles
the spring blossom
amongst the stables
feet hitting concrete -
this is the only lonely
place

Leave a comment

April 22, 2014 · 7:43 pm

Incomplete

A fire that burned itself out - 
a city which kept on breathing
an anger that softened
with the arrival of self

I’ve myself an animal
and she needs me to breathe
I’ve built myself a family
and they need me kept clean

For myself I have refused
priests and sainthood, ghosts and blood
an exorcism worthy of a victim
and an empty glass for an empty woman

Forgive me -
For I am here, again

Leave a comment

Filed under Misc

Leicester/Brighton

Inside and out – turn me inside
and out
a city that takes what is left
and makes it so I mightn’t
come back, again

I have written of you so frequently -
of the house that bleeds, of the
mornings I would sweep the
autumn leaves, of the ones I would
keep the change that I found

Hills that stretched for miles,
a sanctuary that soon emptied
I write of it often, positively
but I know that come autumn
come unemployment, come abuse
my love will turn to drink and to -

But the one I write of more fondly
of stones, of wind, of clock towers
strung with lights and with rain
even 9pm, dead of winter, my
poor fingers cut raw with the
plastic bags and with the bottles

Projects and fights, sickness
and to good health. Closing time
winning, gambling – losing and
never even minding. These are
never things that could
happen here

To my hometown – my thirteen
year old self knew better than
I even do now. That there is
no hope – not till I burn it down
to visit, to fleetingly touch
might not be so devastating

But our time is worn out,
and your clock tower
is not strung with lights

I can never go home again 

Leave a comment

Filed under Poetry

californiaherewecome.png

Leave a comment

April 17, 2014 · 7:01 pm

California Here I Come

That will be me in three months, posing seductively on a car like nobody’s business. For those of you who don’t know, I have wanted to go to California since I was about 12 years old. I love The O.C., Hollywood, Katy Perry, Paris Hilton, Buffy…I love it all and I want to go to the place that spawned it. I love beaches and warm weather and nice cars and L.A. trash and I don’t care I want it all. So. My babe Kasey Carroll lives there, and after she spent like a year living with me last year, we decided it was a fair trade off if I stayed with her. I know that Cali isn’t quite as glamorous and fun as Leicester, but it’s fine. I don’t mind.

I BOOKED MY TICKET TODAY. I DID IT. In 98 days I am taking myself and my boyfrand Owain to the West Coast to see our love Kasey and cuddle and have the best time ever. I know that I am moving to Brighton in June/July which is a HUGE move to make right before a huge expensive holiday, but I kind of don’t care that much. I owe something to my teenage self and I am going to take one of the only chances I will get to go to California for pretty cheap and hang with my top lass. I am excited.

That is all.

Leave a comment

Filed under Personal

fin.

After time spent believing 
that the key to communicating
to living 
            amongst the people 
is – I am still not so sure

I didn’t weep for fifteen years
I didn’t spend a night clean
for fifteen of the longest years
and I didn’t have anyone
for twenty-one

But the key is not to live
with the people, it is to live
with myself, first

I have a discomfort 
with who I am; inherently
my concerns lay within
am I talented, am I smart
am I funny – can I drink?

But to like myself enough
to stop being a victim
to stop letting
myself become less
than I can

That is the key – the only
one. To live among the people
is not a case of knowing them
or of suffering for the hell of it

The key to living among them
is knowing myself, and knowing 
what I need. I deserve the coast
I deserve the wind and to be told
by myself and others - 

I am good.

Leave a comment

Filed under Poetry