6:30am, I woke up with a bloody nose
in a dirty foreign room, never to be
the same again. As the drugs
left my system and the realisation
hit me: I learnt more than I wanted
no apology, avoided work, fled the country
there isn’t much in there that gives the impression
that you are not guilty
so I spent a month, or two, on bathroom floors
letting my friends worry about me
not leaving the house for fear of my own safety
two months and I healed, a little
I still take pills and I still cry, sometimes,
in supermarkets and on floors
but it’s more a case of missing my dignity
and being ashamed that it happened that way
and then there is you.
Blasé, storm in and leave again
just when I can pretend it didn’t happen
or that I am a whole person
who knows what she wants and when
aeroplanes and avoidance as admission of guilt
and I can’t play along with a fantasy of consent
when I woke up at 6:30am with no clothes and a bloody nose
say relax to my friends who rush to my side
and laugh when I have to know what happened
I want to move on and I am moving – I am moving
150 miles down South to avoid having to check
when you are here, where you are, if I will see you
and I can’t
So a reminder, for when you think I’m overreacting
and it is unnecessary to ignore your childish provocation
and aggressive misbehaviour
I want to forget and to be left alone -
to be a whole person
to move on from December bloody noses
and a whole series of abuses
On Saturday I was awoken by my best friend telling me that Ellen Page had come out. On Valentine’s Day. Now, it isn’t often that I am sincere or upfront anything, let alone my sexuality, but let’s do this. I’m a little embarrassed, but let’s talk about Ellen Page coming out. I cheered. I was so, so happy and I still am. It wasn’t news to anybody that she was gay, anybody with half a gaydar or a pair of eyes knew. But for her to come out was a big move. I have said for years that she didn’t owe anybody a thing – her coming out would be beneficial, but for her to choose not to was her own choice. Coming out is hard enough, but with millions of eyes on you, it is even harder. Ellen’s speech had me in tears. It was beautiful, touching, funny, and long overdue. She is a gorgeous brave woman and I wish her the best.
When I was seventeen I realised I was bisexual. I thought I was gay for a while, because despite having a boyfriend of three years, I wasn’t attracted to any men. Most days my leaning is certainly towards women, but I wouldn’t call myself a lesbian. I was young and confused and coming out was incredibly difficult, but my friends were supportive. Other people not so much. I still don’t think I owe anyone an explanation about my sexuality, but most days I choose to ‘lie by omission’ (in Ellen’s words) and avoid explaining it. I don’t think bisexuality is as complicated as people make it out to be.
I love people. I am attracted to voices, faces, personalities – but I don’t really mind what gender they come packaged in. Women and men are beautiful and attractive to me in different ways and they are entirely different, which I love. I have had a thing for women for as long as I can remember and honestly, I never thought it was unusual until I got older. I am lucky in that I have a beautiful group of friends and a boyfriend who accept me for who I am and are completely okay with it, which I think should not be abnormal. Everybody is entitled to love regardless, I believe homophobia is absolutely disgusting and outdated.
Ellen did not have a duty to the LGBT community or anybody else. She is an individual who was struggling to come out due to standards and principles set up for her, and that is completely unfair. I believe that her speech will be monumental in helping young people to accept themselves and come out, and she has done an absolutely beautiful thing.
Ellen Page is a goddess and I’m going to go and watch Whip It (A.K.A. the gayest movie ever) to celebrate. xo
We passed eight hundred miles
Talking circles about living with loss
You said your sense of humour’s
Always helped you get above and across
Every hurdle, every chasm
Every shocking and unspeakable blow
Just proves the universe is chaos
So you laugh to clear the lump from your throat
I have been thinking for a while about self-publishing a print or Kindle book of my own poetry. I wanted to bring out something special for my 21st birthday, and I have decided to publish a Kindle book of 21 brand new poems about my life and growing up and all of that! It will be out a little after my birthday, and I won’t do it if I don’t get enough interest. The book will probably cost about £1.99 and all proceeds will go towards me getting my MA in Film next year. I really wanted to treat you with something special, and these poems will be brand new and very personal. If you would like a print version, let me know and it will cost a little more.
Please like this if you would be interested in purchasing an e-book of my poetry! xo
Thank you so much for all of your continued support.
So as you all know I recently received my acceptance letter for the Film programme at the University of Sussex! Yay! I am really chuffed and it is an incredible University. However, I am having a little trouble raising the funds. I just want a little advice and if you have any experience gaining money for something like this or any ideas on how I can gain £6000. I’m from a pretty poor family and have a lot of health problems so I’ve been looking at charities and trusts that help people with difficulty gaining money etc, but yeah. If you have done something similar, please let me know! xo
If you are featured then I can let you know personally or send you a hardcopy, but otherwise, just visit:
For my brand new poetry journal/zine. Thank you so much for all of your hard work, now let’s hope that I get myself a first! Please follow and like and show your support for my university work and my potential ongoing side project. There are some really amazing poets featured and I’m really proud of what I’ve achieved! xo
There are a few things that I’ve neglected to tell you over the past few weeks, and I’m not sure why. Firstly – I went to the neurology department last week and I have been referred for an MRI scan because my problems seem quite serious. My attendance has been shitty, my health awful, and I have lost one job and been given time off from the other because of it. I am struggling with Uni, but at least things are getting on track to get me into the hospital and sorted out!
So today I received a very lovely email from the good people at the University of Sussex. I applied for my MA officially YESTERDAY, and I have already been accepted. This is good. This is very, very good. My best and only friend Sarah will be moving down with me and we are starting very exciting new lives down South in Brighton. Which is what I have wanted for so, so long.
Providing I get a 2:1 and £20,000 before September, I will be studying my favourite subject in my dream city with my dream babes. Let’s see. I hope so and I can’t wait! xo