Every single day I think – but she has a better job than me, she writes more often than me, she earns more than me. And I know, probably, I shouldn’t hold myself to the same standard as he or she – but I am sick, after all. It’s harder to remind yourself that you are ‘different’ when there are people who are sick in different ways, who suffer too – and yet they seem to be doing better than you. And whilst I know it’s unfair and I am lucky to have lived past six or so and that it’s a miracle that I got out of bed or pulled myself together at all, I can’t see past what healthy people do or can do. I could recover completely and never shake or falter again but still I could not catch up to those my age who are healthy and motivated and who don’t need pills or special diets or hand-holding. And yeah I know I should be grateful, of course sometimes I am. That a victim of child abuse and a sufferer of complicated neuro-scientific nonsense as a direct result could move, graduate, travel – maybe it is a miracle, and maybe I should be grateful. But still daily I see people, I see girls my age and younger who have succeeded and who are better and they have their shit too. So why can’t I work and play and make friends and feel safe and succeed, what is it that makes this different and that fatigues me so desperately and knocks me out at the slightest hint of childhood or makes me lose my train of thought – I want to be better and perhaps I can, but positive thinking and a little motivation will not be enough to get me out of a bed made for a victim. 


1 Comment

Filed under Personal, Writing

One response to “Recovery

  1. I’m completely with you. I always feel although I’m not quite good enough, even for someone who is technically ‘chronically ill’. The constant stream of “thats an amazing thing to have done especially considering everything!” .. Yes it is. But why can’t what I do be good enough without having to take into consideration the fact I’ve been ill?
    It always feels like everyone else is doing better. But its important to remember that holding yourself to the standards of others should not be practiced even if you are not ill or have had issues or missed the bus etc. etc. because everyone is different anyway. It’s just such a bloody shame that society will always judge people with the same standards, no matter what.

    I know this isn’t going to make it better in the slightest. But I have and always will look up to you, your writing, intelligence and beautiful job you’ve made of your life so far. You’ve done what makes you happy, with the people you love around you and your passions as part of your everyday. I’m constantly inspired by that. 🙂


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