2014

It’s taken me a few days to get around to this because I have been mad busy, but thank you for your patience. I came into 2015 laughing, at my friend’s house with my favourite people in the world. We were anticipating a year of finally being together in Brighton, after spending half of 2014 sadly apart. It was lovely, calm, and what I wanted from New Year’s Eve. I came into 2014 kicking and screaming, after being assaulted five days earlier. I was on a bathroom floor crying and wasted in a friend’s lap, and I am happy to see a massive contrast this year.

So 2014 started badly. I got really horrifically drunk a few times to try and block out memories of December, but it didn’t work. I let myself fail and fall behind and I didn’t do any reading or uni work for over a month. I fell out with my best friend in January, and by February we were putting the pieces back together. We drove around every night for weeks just talking and sifting through the shit and really sorting it out. I quit two jobs in late January – the one in which I was assaulted by a colleague, and the one where everyone around me did cocaine and drank everyday. That’s probably not good for me, I cleverly deduced all on my own. I remember the first time I felt like myself again was in early February – I took out about 20 books from the library, and I sat down to get back into my work. I thought – I understand this. I am this. Writing and films dragged me out of a really dark place, and they are more important to me this year than ever. In February I was accepted to my Master’s course, I spent an amazing 21st with my favourite people, and I started to visit the doctor and hospital to find out why I was passing out and bleeding from my ears.

March, April, May – they are all blurs. Blurs of writing constantly, of being sick, of hospitals and diagnoses and finding out that the cause of all of my problems was, of course, my upbringing and family and all of that. I started to try to feel better and embrace what had happened to me, but it was the hardest thing and I am still struggling and suffering. In June I moved to Brighton, had a few shitty jobs, and was dirt poor. But I was happy and I was by the sea. I started to pass out less, scream less, and be awake more. I missed my friends, but they come sometimes. In July I graduated and I cried, actually. I was alone and it was a reminder that I’ve no family, but a reminder too that I am the reason I made it there. I got a 2:1. I dragged myself up out of shit and complete hell for 21 years to make it to that stage and I was  really genuinely fucking pleased. I then went to California for two weeks, a life-changing experience that affected my entire outlook. I am still cynical, grumpy, tired, sick – but I feel a little better about who I am. The mountains, the people, the attitude, the Pacific – it is something I try to relive every single day.

August saw Sarah, Owain and I see The Hives which again was incredible. We hung out a lot, went to the Twin Peaks party, and then said goodbye again for the entirety of September, which was long and saw me starting my Master’s. It’s hard, the people are weird, and I don’t fit in well at Sussex. But it’s where I am and film is important to me. I also got to hang out with a member of my favourite band a few times, and he was cool. The girl I met him through wasn’t, so we lost touch. I quit another shit job and I found one that I quite enjoy. Through October and November I worked a lot and got to know my workmates, a few nice people who just want to bartend and aren’t dicks about it. We had a few lock-ins and pints and it was nice. December was long and I am here now, alive. The anniversary of my assault came and went. My best friend is moving here very soon, and I am so grateful.

For all of the incredible things I have done in 2014, I still had a hard year. I had a lot of recovering to do, and a long way to go yet. But I am alive and motivated to carry on. With my Master’s, with revisiting California, with applying for my PhD. Every single day feels impossible and I struggle still to stay awake and I still take painkillers daily, but I am not dead yet. Peace.

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