– It’s no secret that I hate the winter. I split my year not into four seasons but right down the middle: months that make me miserable, and those that don’t. I spend October – March ice-cold and sick. I work hard too hard and stay inside in the hope of being somewhere else for the next winter. I want to be in California so urgently, because to me it’s reminiscent of the sunshine and laughter so missing from my daily life in Brighton. In the winter I mostly miss having a car, being trapped in the city without long meandering drives. But I digress.
– It’s spring. Officially, today was the first day that really felt as if the sun was winning its fight against the cloud and storms. I got up at 10, did some yoga, and walked the two minutes to the beach to run 3 miles with my dog and soak up the sun. I came home and immediately picked up my rollerskates and rucksack so I could do something I haven’t done in a long time – try to relax. I skated and I sat on the beach and I wrote for half an hour and just hung out alone soaking in the sun and watching the sea. I tried to enjoy for a little while just how lucky I am to live where I do.
– But I’m not lucky. I am really, really hard-working and committed to what I want. It’s my best quality and my worst – through my perseverance and dedication I have gotten through things I thought impossible. I not only survived my life past sixteen, but I did well at school all the way through to my Master’s degree. I went to California aged 21, something that was originally a ‘bucket list’ item. I moved to Brighton aged 22 and I live here still. My hard work led me to a job in the media which I work full time and it’s the best job I’ve ever had. I write every day and I see my friends and I’m happy. But my obsessive motivation also makes me always want to be somewhere or someone else – I can’t enjoy my achievements. I am insecure, never happy, and never enough.
– In the summer it’s different. I slow down, I relax, I laugh at all. I go to the beach with my friends and everything happens so much more naturally. Everything is slower and less urgent and I am happier in my own slightly sun-kissed skin. My drive to be the best at everything before 25 (impossible – I know that logically) settles into a happy, motivated, natural pace.
– Winter is a nightmare on the coast and in my skin – but I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else. It’s spring, I am happy, my town is blue and bright. I can rest.