Category Archives: Personal

2017.

This year was good to me. I’ve already written about it and I won’t go on, but I feel healthier and happier and more successful than I ever have. 2016 was better than I could have hoped for and I did more than I had planned. It’s only a start, though. It’s a foundation that I hope to build 2017 on. Not everything is perfect, obviously, but I feel like things are happening and I want to do well and I want to be good and have fun and eventually be someone I quite like. So these are my goals for 2017. I won’t do all of them, I might even go a totally different direction, but what matters is that I have plans and I keep on working on something. My contract with VICE ends in February so everything is pretty up in the air, currently. I have no idea what will happen. Or how to plan for it. But here’s a few little ideas.

♡ Plan for Tokyo
♡ Write/pitch memoir/essay book
♡ Go on a work trip
♡ Work on emo diary/maybe do a zine/transcribe it all
♡ Write for Empire
♡ Keep track of finances/spend less/save
♡ Make 20,000
♡ Write 100 articles
♡ Take more photos
♡ Plan on moving to London
♡ Find an agent for my book
♡ Try to get a staff job
♡ Write more/more essays
♡ Read 25 books
♡ Watch more films/keep updated
♡ Take more photos

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108.

After ten days apart will I still
will my heart leap into my throat
will my eyes search you for clues
as you glance up, as you would
to anyone. As we talk as you would
with anyone. As you notice details and
it doesn’t matter if you would
because ultimately, I wouldn’t
but I’m dying without the attention
I’m dying thinking of time she gets
and it’s that you’re just representative
of obsessions, success, shared pasts
and who were you at twenty-three?
Might you have fucked me then?
and I won’t regret a misstep
until June
when you are dead

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2016

At the start of this year I made a list of resolutions, plans, and goals that some of you said was unrealistic; a list that, by and large, I fucking smashed. And then some. I did more than I expected to this year, grew more, worked hard. I’m currently working at VICE, something that a year ago I wouldn’t have even dared to hope for. I did so much stuff, so much of which was really random and cool and surprised me. Some of it was a total coincidence, and some of it happened thanks to my hard work. 2016 has been trash for a lot of reasons for a lot of people, and yeah, a lot of the things that happened to me weren’t ideal. But we’re here and we’re alive and I’m hoping that 2017 will bring me everything that my little heart could dream of; I’m sure I’ll deliver a goals list for then, too, soon enough.

So I wanted to:

Watch more films
Save 8,000 – no I did not do this. I was too busy having fun.
Plan a trip yes – I went to Amsterdam, Prague, Budapest, Berlin, Las Vegas, and California
Publish film, poetry, other articles I published at least 100 articles, worked at The Debrief, and now I’m at VICE until February
Start my book finished it, edited it, trying to find an agent for it
Relax/see friends
Stay organised and work hard
Visit Europe
Go to events I went to a lot of events innit
Do an interview
Do a F2F interview
Attend an event as press
Don’t get a shit job for 1 year

And here’s what did happen:

♡ I graduated from my MA
♡ I had my first piece published by Bustle
♡ I interviewed Richard Dreyfuss
♡ I drove for the first time in years and took a trip to Bristol
♡ I had a horrible writing experience that I got over
♡ I started writing for Hello Giggles
♡ I wrote a piece for Pop Matters
♡ I covered Handmade Festival on a press pass
♡ I went to see Weezer for the first time since 2011
♡ I met We Are Scientists On Brighton pier
♡ I got fired by my shithead boss who still hasn’t paid me and didn’t panic
♡ I wrote a few pieces for Dazed
♡ I covered Wild Life festival for Crack magazine
♡ A week after I got fired, I started a project for Nickelodeon with a Brighton company
♡ I continued working at said company and made a ton of friends
♡ My family fell out with me over Brexit
♡ I travelled Europe with my American friend
♡ I worked at The Debrief for 2 weeks
♡ I went to Motion City Soundtrack’s farewell tour
♡ I continued working with Tilt as their main content person
♡ I celebrated my 9 year anniversary
♡ I went to Las Vegas and then California
♡ I interviewed Kreayshawn for Noisey magazine
♡ I went to Teen Party and met some people I like from the internet
♡ I met the editor of my favourite magazine and she offered me an interview
♡ I did interview with Empire, got down to the final 2, then didn’t get the job
♡ I went to Molly Soda’s art show and we hung out, she’s a gem
♡ I went to see Jimmy Eat World
♡ I started working with VICE for three months and got stuff published with them
♡ Wrote for Nylon, The Debrief, and more
♡ I started tweeting my diaries @emodiary05
♡ I started and maintained a ton of projects
♡ I finished my book
♡ I got asked to DJ as emo diary
♡ I went to Sticky Mike’s to be emo and cute a lot
♡ I went to the VICE Christmas party
♡ I’ve been doing ok at Twitter and have some cool followers and I like that ok

AND THE YEAR ISN’T OVER YET LADS

 

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64.

You wake up, reach so instinctively
for a glass of self-medication
as only you can, and still live

You thought it might solve everything
the move, I mean
that waking up to see the sea
was more important than fixing anything

Running was only the cure once
and no-one can live
as a body full of drugs

Being invisible, attention fading
is the worst thing

When you saw the sunset
from a small one-bed
did you still want to run?

Don’t tell me you didn’t
miss your pills, your bathroom cabinet

You are not kind, nor whole
you’re an empty, tar-black soul
bored to death, never an artist
true artists don’t die
don’t disappear when no-one is looking

The writer became a character

Look after yourself, dear
there’s years left
before you overdose
before you run away from here

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A personal essay

About happiness, or whatever.

Continue reading

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Readers:

I had a little change on my theme, I hope you like it. I wanted to ask what kind of content you’d like to see more of?

  • Poetry?
  • Prose?
  • Photos?
  • Lifestyle/Personal?

Or something else entirely? Do let me know, your opinion matters to me etc x

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International Women’s Day

baby-pink-heart-outline-hi

 

I know this is primarily a writing blog, so I’ll keep it short and sweet. It’s International Women’s Day which for some has elicited eyerolls and cries of “when’s men’s day?” The answer is: November 19th, but you don’t necessarily need one. Enjoy the rest of the year, when your life is easier than that of most women.

Things are changing, and it’s such an exciting time to be alive. So many women are speaking up and loving each other and themselves while making the most beautiful art and media. It took me a long time to learn to love women, and I spent a good few years believing I was ‘not like other girls’. I know first hand it can be hard to lift each other up and not feel crippling jealousy, but learning to love the achievements of other women is a really important step.

As a woman, even a relatively privileged one, I can see the difference in how we are treated. Since the day anyone found out I was a girl I was afforded less opportunities than my male counterpart. I have to work that much harder to prove myself and be noticed. I have suffered daily micro-aggressions: men not trusting my work on its own merits, being talked over in academic conferences, being told my tastes are too ‘girly’. Outrageous standards of beauty and the negative way women talk about themselves wormed their way into my subconscious and made me do silly things like not eat. I have dealt with cat-calling, low-level sexual harassment, persistent advances despite my polite refusal. I worked in a bar for years and I was harassed, felt up, and called a c*nt on more occasions than I can count. All of this and more serious abuse that I don’t care to relive.

So it’s sad that we only have one day, but take the uplifting messages and articles circulating today and let them inform the way you live and treat yourself and others. It can be really, really shit to be a woman, even a privileged one. It’s hard in ways too numerous to count, ways that men cannot possibly understand, and ways that we don’t even notice ourselves as they are so pervasive. It can be shit, but women are so fucking wonderful and I wouldn’t want to be anyone else. Treat all the women in your life the way they deserve to be, and celebrate them today and always x

 

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