Tag Archives: new year

2017.

This year was good to me. I’ve already written about it and I won’t go on, but I feel healthier and happier and more successful than I ever have. 2016 was better than I could have hoped for and I did more than I had planned. It’s only a start, though. It’s a foundation that I hope to build 2017 on. Not everything is perfect, obviously, but I feel like things are happening and I want to do well and I want to be good and have fun and eventually be someone I quite like. So these are my goals for 2017. I won’t do all of them, I might even go a totally different direction, but what matters is that I have plans and I keep on working on something. My contract with VICE ends in February so everything is pretty up in the air, currently. I have no idea what will happen. Or how to plan for it. But here’s a few little ideas.

♡ Plan for Tokyo
♡ Write/pitch memoir/essay book
♡ Go on a work trip
♡ Work on emo diary/maybe do a zine/transcribe it all
♡ Write for Empire
♡ Keep track of finances/spend less/save
♡ Make 20,000
♡ Write 100 articles
♡ Take more photos
♡ Plan on moving to London
♡ Find an agent for my book
♡ Try to get a staff job
♡ Write more/more essays
♡ Read 25 books
♡ Watch more films/keep updated
♡ Take more photos

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2016

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I wrote at least four pages of things I would like to achieve next year, and then I tried to condense them and make them cute for you. I am not for completely changing who you are in the new year – if you can’t do it now, you can’t do it then. But gathering your thoughts and putting together what you hope to achieve in 366 days is perfectly reasonable. I find it hard to share this stuff because being open about my goals makes it a little more embarrassing if I don’t achieve them, but one of my aims is to be more honest. So here I am being honest. There are a hundred more things I would like to work on in myself and a bunch of more specific ways I plan to reach these goals, but I think the primary thing is to remember the things I am always reaching for no matter what. Things like: my journalism career, a book, owning a home, travelling everywhere, working abroad. Everything I achieve, ever, will lend towards me getting those things done.

What are you planning for next year?

 

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2014

It’s taken me a few days to get around to this because I have been mad busy, but thank you for your patience. I came into 2015 laughing, at my friend’s house with my favourite people in the world. We were anticipating a year of finally being together in Brighton, after spending half of 2014 sadly apart. It was lovely, calm, and what I wanted from New Year’s Eve. I came into 2014 kicking and screaming, after being assaulted five days earlier. I was on a bathroom floor crying and wasted in a friend’s lap, and I am happy to see a massive contrast this year.

So 2014 started badly. I got really horrifically drunk a few times to try and block out memories of December, but it didn’t work. I let myself fail and fall behind and I didn’t do any reading or uni work for over a month. I fell out with my best friend in January, and by February we were putting the pieces back together. We drove around every night for weeks just talking and sifting through the shit and really sorting it out. I quit two jobs in late January – the one in which I was assaulted by a colleague, and the one where everyone around me did cocaine and drank everyday. That’s probably not good for me, I cleverly deduced all on my own. I remember the first time I felt like myself again was in early February – I took out about 20 books from the library, and I sat down to get back into my work. I thought – I understand this. I am this. Writing and films dragged me out of a really dark place, and they are more important to me this year than ever. In February I was accepted to my Master’s course, I spent an amazing 21st with my favourite people, and I started to visit the doctor and hospital to find out why I was passing out and bleeding from my ears.

March, April, May – they are all blurs. Blurs of writing constantly, of being sick, of hospitals and diagnoses and finding out that the cause of all of my problems was, of course, my upbringing and family and all of that. I started to try to feel better and embrace what had happened to me, but it was the hardest thing and I am still struggling and suffering. In June I moved to Brighton, had a few shitty jobs, and was dirt poor. But I was happy and I was by the sea. I started to pass out less, scream less, and be awake more. I missed my friends, but they come sometimes. In July I graduated and I cried, actually. I was alone and it was a reminder that I’ve no family, but a reminder too that I am the reason I made it there. I got a 2:1. I dragged myself up out of shit and complete hell for 21 years to make it to that stage and I was  really genuinely fucking pleased. I then went to California for two weeks, a life-changing experience that affected my entire outlook. I am still cynical, grumpy, tired, sick – but I feel a little better about who I am. The mountains, the people, the attitude, the Pacific – it is something I try to relive every single day.

August saw Sarah, Owain and I see The Hives which again was incredible. We hung out a lot, went to the Twin Peaks party, and then said goodbye again for the entirety of September, which was long and saw me starting my Master’s. It’s hard, the people are weird, and I don’t fit in well at Sussex. But it’s where I am and film is important to me. I also got to hang out with a member of my favourite band a few times, and he was cool. The girl I met him through wasn’t, so we lost touch. I quit another shit job and I found one that I quite enjoy. Through October and November I worked a lot and got to know my workmates, a few nice people who just want to bartend and aren’t dicks about it. We had a few lock-ins and pints and it was nice. December was long and I am here now, alive. The anniversary of my assault came and went. My best friend is moving here very soon, and I am so grateful.

For all of the incredible things I have done in 2014, I still had a hard year. I had a lot of recovering to do, and a long way to go yet. But I am alive and motivated to carry on. With my Master’s, with revisiting California, with applying for my PhD. Every single day feels impossible and I struggle still to stay awake and I still take painkillers daily, but I am not dead yet. Peace.

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2013

2013

Is over and finished. I’m pretty glad, because it wasn’t a great year. I came into it with my best friends, I had a three way kiss with Owain and Kasey – it was excellent. I got a job which I soon hated and was fired from. The  bar I was a keyholder of and worked in for almost a year closed down. I made a friend, and then she died two months later. I moved out of the house I shared with a thief, but soon fell out with the girl I live with now. I lost a lot of money. I got a 2:1 despite my health issues, but I’m doing a bit badly again now. I went to Florida, which was lovely. I did however learn that my uncle’s side of the family are thieving crazy bastards. I got published a few times. I decided to come back to bartending and I now work in two bars, one of which I love. We drink for free, we work well together, and it’s so close to being It’s Always Sunny that it’s crazy. My health problems got worse and I spent a lot of the summer in hospital with blood coming from my nose and ears. I still don’t know what’s wrong with me. My mother got worse and I’m not really sure what the future holds, there. I made an incredible friend in Sarah and we got so close we went on holiday a few times and still talk every single day. Zoe and I cemented our close family bond by going through some horrible stuff with one another last week, and spending Christmas together. I went to Brighton a few times and it was incredible. I love nothing more than seeing the pier’s lights through drunk eyes. My lecturer convinced me to take an MA in Film, which I’m currently applying for and am almost ready to undertake. In a year I hope to live in Sussex, and to have escaped Leicester and all of the awful people in it.

I came in to 2014 confused and lost. I was drunk, I facetimed Kasey, I was in LE3 being beaten up by my friends. But I am still a little dazed and hurt by what happened last week. I know who I am, now. I write about films, I believe in aliens, I like history and science and coffee and fashion. I live to write and read and I am what I do.

Happy new year xo

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January 3, 2014 · 1:59 am

New Year Nonsense Take Two

In which itchy feet
do not mean dissatisfaction
but a need for learning
in which we learn
to understand the space
between wants and reality
and in which I know what I want
once again
and know just how to get it

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